Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Short And Long Of It

For the last eighteen months I’ve been attempting to grow out my hair. Over the last thirty years, My hair has been from my the top of my back to buzzed off a la Jamie Lee Curtis or Annie Lennox. Six years ago, I went from shoulder length to extremely short and have kept it pretty much off my ears ever since. But a eighteen months ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and decided it was time to stop with the short hair because I looked like everyone’s favorite bull dyke gym. Lipstick and earrings just made me look like Ms. Clodhopper failed at femming it up a little. If you’ve never grown a short hair cut out (or a bad one for that matter) it can feel as if time stands still. So I made myself a promise to do this for at least a year before giving up getting a short hair cut out of desperation and defeat. I have spent hours contemplating how long it’s going to be when. My hair grows pretty fast, about a half inch a month, so I was able to set goals for myself to help quell the frustration and move me away from the shears. I suppose all the obsessing thinking I do about my hair’s length along with estimating how fast it’s going to grow before I hit a milestone length makes me pretty freakin’ shallow. Good thing I’m thinking about quantum physics and world politics when I’m not estimating hair growth. *

The milestones I‘ve reached so far: (I have pictures at each milestone but I’ll spare everyone)

A little tiny bit of hair over my ears (July ‘09)
The ability to put a bit of hair behind my ears (October ‘09)
The ability to pull back my hair in a band (December ‘09 but it looked stupid)
A pony tail (February ‘10 again it was an anemic little thing but worked on the beach)
A chignon (June ‘10)
The most recent milestone was reached this week: Abby had to cut my hair while it was lying on my shoulders rather than pull it up in the air when she trimmed the ends.
By February of 2011 I want to toss all my hair behind my shoulders.

I find a hair toss to be a helpful gesture which can signify a dramatic flounce away from a subject or dismissing someone who is a bother or even a flirty move. But if that North Korean Dr. Evil guy or Bat Shit Crazy Iranian president blow us up before then I’m gonna be pissed. So pissed I’ll shrug my shoulders up around my ears and toss it like that. Which isn’t going to be nearly as satisfying. Barring total nuclear annihilation, I should have hair half way down my back before December 21st 2112 the scheduled day the world ends. And if the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about this along with the creation of a 538 word document describing my hair’s growth is any indication of the importance all of this; my life will be complete.

It’s good to have goals.

*The only thought I've ever entertained about Quantum Physics was: “Wow that sounds all hard and complicated, so I’m gonna think about my hair!”

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